A Rock in the Sea
I visited Pacifica Beach on a long layover in San Francisco recently. Fifteen years ago, Hazel's dad and I surfed here, and in many ways this was where our relationship and her life began. As I walked along the shore and watched the surfers bob on the waves, it was as if no time had passed, and I was overtaken with feelings of deep love and heavy sorrow. I sat for a while to let myself rest, to empty my thoughts, and to cry a little, and then this poem emerged as I melted into the waves crashing against the rocks.
This experience of intentionally making space to visit an important place from my past reminded me of the power of remembering the love at the beginning of a journey that ended in loss. This short, two-hour beach walk gave me the opportunity to connect with my 28-year-old self, to step out of linear time and my travel frenzy, and to add information to my story that I did not have during all those difficult years of divorce and unraveling. In the end, though my visit was brief, taking the time to journal and reflect was also deeply nourishing and reconnected me to essential parts of myself that I had forgotten.
A Rock in the Sea
She is born of the sea
In between the waves where the water calms
Where there is just enough time for someone like me
to paddle out past the breakers
To the line-up…
Where I can love him.
Where her father is free,
Here on the gray cloudy sea
In this cove surrounded by trees.
With the sea foam splash
And the rocks along the north shore
Jutting up menacingly
Pushing the boundaries.
Oh, to be a rock in the sea
Barnacled and heavy,
Never dry,
Sometimes peeking into the sky.
An eternity
Waves and birds and lovers passing by
No need to know why
The moonrise pulling the tide and the storm surging high.
They hammer at me.
But I am all seaweed and feathers and shells,
A resting place for weary wings and battered things.
When the water is low
I weep and moan,
Seep and groan,
Shedding layers of skin.
These eons of history buried in me.
Silently. Heavily.
The way I loved him
Like a rock in the sea.
I could not take him with me.
Reflection Prompt: Revisit a place that has some importance to you. This can be done either in person, or by taking some time with a photograph, object, or memory of this place. Give yourself permission to rest into the sensory experience of the place, the sounds, smells, movement of air across your skin, colors, and any sensations or emotions that arise in the body. There is no need to try to figure anything out or solve anything, simply allow yourself to sink deeply into the felt memory and experience of the place.
When you are ready, reflect upon your experience in writing. This could be a poem, stream of consciousness, a list of sensory details, or a drawing. What are you remembering about who you are in this place?